Bad omen
by Asrialth
Summary: Set after 2X12,Damon reflects on his relationship with Elena, while trying to decide what to do with Jessica. Conflicted between his loyalty towards Elena and his century-old hurt, he makes a decision. Like The Irony, one-shot, potential for more. DELENA


I didn't kill her. The girl. Jessica, I think she called herself. I was planning to kill her, but then I couldn't. I bit her, and every single fiber of my body wanted to continue biting her, just to stop feeling for a moment. Being a vampire made feeling unnecessary, and if there was something that would be very welcome right now, it would be not feeling.

But still, I didn't kill her. Why, you would ask? I don't really know the answer to that. All I know is that I couldn't turn the feeling off. Because while every part of my body wanted to kill the girl and part of my mind wanted that too, something else took over. Something that resisted to stop feeling. Something that I didn't use to have. A heart, maybe? Way back in time, something that felt like a century but when I thought about it was just two years, I could turn off having to feel with just one switch. Hell, I hadn't felt anything since I lost Katherine.

But then I met _her_, and everything changed. She wasn't at all like Katherine, but she wasn't too different from her at the same time. Elena was someone special, and I hated her for that. I hated her for making me love her. For making me _care_. Pretending not to care was making me so tired all the time. This last year, I had felt everything. And every feeling that I had tried so hard to suppress for the last century had come crushing into me. Like she was the switch that tried to make me human again.

Rose had been right. Being human was the thing that I missed most. I missed being human so much, that it was unbearable. But with all these feelings; who wanted to be human? Why, while I couldn't deal with all this pain, did I want to be human? Humans were all about emotions. If I hated emotions, then why was I still craving to be human?

I didn't know the answer to that. All I knew was that it hurt to be human, and it hurt not to be. What should I do? Elena wanted me to be a good person. She thought she knew me. Hugging me, telling me I cared, thinking I wanted to be hugged by her. She was wrong. I hated that. I any other situation, I would have died to get an embrace from her. But like this… It was the pity I hated. And it was me I hated, for falling for it. She pitied me, while I was supposed to be strong, feellingless, uncaring. It should be the other way around. Between us, she was the human, the weak person with limits, with a lifespan. One wrong move, and she would die. Her family was being threatened, people around her were going to get killed because of the simple fact that she existed. And I was grieving over some stupid thing that happened a hundred-and-fifty years ago. _Elena_ needed _me_ now, and there I was, almost crying while _she_ was comforting _me_.

That was why I didn't kill Jessica. It wasn't what Elena would want me to do. Killing people would make her hate me again, and if there was one thing that I wouldn't be able to handle, it was Elena hating me. I made that mistake before by almost killing Jeremy, and I wouldn't make it again. Elena was the one I loved, and I would break if she wouldn't love me back.

Because she did love me, I knew that. I saw it in her eyes when I told her I loved her. It was a pity that I compelled her to make her forget right after that, but I knew that she _did_ love me. Maybe not like she loved Stefan, or at least she didn't realize it. But she did love me, and I was stuck forever, knowing that the girl that I loved, loved me back and I would never have her.

But it was for the best. What else could I do than hurt her more than she already was? I couldn't even keep my vampire friends alive, let alone a weak person like her. If I had needed two weeks to lose Rose, how long would it take me to lose Elena once I let her get close to me? I wouldn't be able to protect her like Stefan. From a distance, as a friend, I could give her the protection she needed. But I would be too dangerous if she would get too close to me. If she would see the darkness inside me, the sappy sadness that had made me who I was. Maybe it wasn't all about me being dangerous, but also just a little bit about being ashamed. I was very much ashamed of the battle that was fought inside me. And Elena was already so close to finding out who I really was, a sad bundle of emotions too unstable to walk around, that I couldn't make her come any closer.

No, Elena was perfect where she was. Our relationship would stay platonic. She would keep her distance from me. She would pity me and try to comfort me when I was hurt and I would feel comforted and hurt because of it at the same time. And then when all was over, I would tease her with perverted jokes, and she would hit me and smile that beautiful smile at the same time, and we would be in perfect harmony. That was how it was supposed to be, what it should and would be, forever. I had made my choice. I would make Elena proud of me again. She didn't want me to be hurt? She didn't want me to be a bad person? Fine, I wouldn't be.

I released my grasp from the blond girl's neck and pushed her gently back against her car. She looked at me with her large, scared eyes, but she didn't scream. She just put her hand against her neck and felt the blood flow through her fingers.

"Jessica," I said huskily.

"…Yes..?" she answered, too feebly to be heard by normal ears.

"I am sorry for what I did to you. I am sorry for hurting you." I focused my gaze on hers, bore my eyes into hers, and compelled her. "I was not supposed to let my feelings get the better of me. You should have stayed unharmed, and I am sorry."

"You are sorry," she answered silently, while a little tear rolled out of her eye. I wondered if the compelling was working or if I was too emotional for that right now.

"I will not ignore my feelings anymore. I am not human, and I will live with it. For _her_. I will make Elena happy and proud." Again, she repeated what I had said.

I slowly bit my wrist, and offered it to her. She took it and drank my blood.

"You will not remember what happened here. You will not know vampires exist. You will go home unharmed, you are now healed." I pulled my arm back and looked at her again, "You are free to go."

I released her, and she stepped back into her car, completely dazed. I let her drive away, and for the first time in a while, I felt happy with myself. No, being a vampire sucked completely, but I realized now that it wasn't necessary to give in to that. I didn't want anyone to feel what I had to go through every day.

And so I let Jessica go free, so I could show Elena that I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

I watched the backlights of the car disappear into the night, when I saw another pair of lights coming from the other side of the road, not stopping. I yelled, and started running towards them, but the crash came too soon, and I saw Jessica's car roll over three times, before it stopped against a tree. No heartbeat.

I slapped myself against my forehead and rolled my eyes. Talking about bad omen. It seemed I was going to have to postpone the do-good crusade.

Instead, I was going to have to tell Elena I had created another vampire. And instead of liking me, she was probably going to kill me now. Great. My good plan had been ruined before I had actually even planned it.

The irony…


End file.
